life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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