This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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