eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
