pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
