JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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