my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
