just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Couch. On fire.
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