that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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