You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
