Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have aggressive nipples.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
