dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
