you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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