Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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