I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
