I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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