I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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