nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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