I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Come share oat with me in your robe
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
