If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
