Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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