My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
