She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
