I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
