So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
