she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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