Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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