this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
