he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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