She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
