I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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