I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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