Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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