dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
