Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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