I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
please don't ironically join a cult
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