Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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