seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
