If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
do herpes really smell.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
