Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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