her vagina looked like bernie madoff
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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