At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
