i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
