He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
