Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
40s are totally the cure
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
