what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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