like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
