Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
