Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
