Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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