how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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