my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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