Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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