this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
