i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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