I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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