OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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