When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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