Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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