Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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