My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
